LETTER TO BABA

Assalamualaikum baba,

Remember those nights when I was still in primary school? When you stayed up late to help me  with my Maths homework? And when you finally surrendered to your tiredness after working all day and i came asking you maths questions when you were trying to go to sleep? I remember them, you never once declined my request for help, you never sighed and complained. Although, I still hate Maths with a passion now and will always be but those nights? Are my most treasured memories until my last breath.

Baba, 

There are so many things that I want to thank you.

Thank you for being YOU. You are the greatest man and the best dad in the universe.

Your patience and your love are something I hope I have too.

You were quiet, you didn't say much but when you did? Your words were full of wiscom and sometimes they were darn funny that all of us laughed our hearts out.

Baba, 

I'm sorry that I don't say I LOVE YOU often enough or hug you many times.

I think you know that I'm like you in that way. We don't express ourselves much except when we are alone. .

But I have no doubt that you know i love you nonetheless just like how I know you love us so much.

What you didn't say? You told them through your actions.

Baba,

I remember all those days when I come back from Penang, Kedah, Tawau or Perlis. All of my favourite things would be waiting for me in the fridge. You know what I mean. FOOD. You never failed.

Baba, 

remember those times when I was so immature and full of teenage angst? That I rebelled everytime I was scolded for something but ended up with me crying, sobbing to be exact. You cane up to my room and you calmed me down. You never once raised your voice to any one of us. 

Baba, 

Remember the time when I did not know what to choose as my future? To pursue law which i had already started  or to change and go for TESL? You just know what to say. You know that I love language and that I will be better off doing something like that. Thank you Baba. I hope you are proud of what I have become. Honestly, i think i would not love being a lawyer myself. You helped me choose the right path. That is why you are so awesome.

Baba,

Your heart is so pure. Even when you first knew you were sick. The thing that you thought about was your children. You were worried of ME  being sad all alone in Perlis. 

Baba,

I cried when I first heard the news of your diagnosis. I cried on how brave and strong you were in accepting what was coming your way. You knew it was all Allah's plan after all. I cried when you went  in the OT. Trust me those 12 hours? Were the longest time all of us had gone through. We prayed and prayed for it to be successful. I cried after that when you were still in the ICU praying to Allah that you would wake up soon. And you did for a few days. Although, it was such a short time but I am grateful to Allah for the chance to see and touch you, to talk to you one last time. It was like He gave us some time to say goodbye. 

 Baba,

When Ain first told me the news. I was shocked. I even asked was she serious? Not because I thought my sister would joke about something like this. Just hoping that this was all a dream.

Baba,

Right now after a few hours of your absence. I am still waiting for someone to shake me and wake me up.that this was all some sad dream. But i know  otherwise. In a way, I am glad that you do not have to suffer the pain anymore. When you were in the hospital, I was so devestated. Seeing you in pain? I wish i could take it away from you.

Baba, 

I know you wouldn't want us to dwell on your absence to carry on with our lives. But please know that we need time to grieve on the loss. We need time to cry our hearts out. For me, it will take time before someone could ask me about you without me tearing up again. 

Baba,

I see you in every corner of the house. On your favourite longue chair, your room evetywhere.  You took with you a huge chunk of our hearts.

Baba,

I feel like i am too young to loose you. You went too soon. How I wish I have more time with you. But I know Allah loves you more. We send you off with Al-Fatihah and prayers. 

Baba,

One last thing for you to remember. We love you so very much. You will always be in our hearts. I will always be a daddy's girl. You will always be my hero. I love you baba, to the moon and back.

AL-FATIHAH

Thank you Allah for giving me one last chance to kiss my Baba goodbye.

A VERY TOUCHY SUBJECT

BEFORE YOU GO ON AND READ THIS POST A LITTLE BIT OF DISCLAIMER TO SET STRAIGHT....

i am in no way trying to annoy or talk down about anybody in particular this is just my general opinion from my general observation....if you for whatever reasons find this post insulting? stop reading this and forget you have ever come across this amateur blog of mine....agreed????

okay..here it goes.....

you know how i am embracing my Different Abiliti'y-ness ?? however, I do not think that as an excuse for you to just give up on life and hope that others will look after you for the rest of your life.

that is not the reason to slack off in study or work or life in general. it is true though that with your disabilities whatever that is...you need to put more effort in the things that you do compared to other normal people...but the effort put in will not go to waste right....???

it just saddened me to see that some of my visually impaired friends think that they just take whatever comes their way be it a street musician or a professor or whatever. the point is some of them think that because they lack some ability they do not have the capability to excel in life...get good grades and even greater jobs and beat all those normal people.

it is true though that some employers view us as a burden or people who do not have the credibility or benefit to their companies, even some school administrator think that as well (yepp....believe it people's minds no matter how highly educated they are can be very shallow)....and would not hire people like us....but well, do not just give up right?? where one door closes thousand others will open....eventually...just have patience

do not give your life away just because you think you cannot do it.... everybody has their own strong point. some just have to dig deeper than others to find theirs.

i know i am in no place to criticize this because i had things come easy for me...study and work all take me in a good place...but i know for a fact that hard work and strong motivation paid off...

however, i am still proud of some of them who do excel tremendously even way better than I do....

they are the epitome of how hard work defeats all odds and misconceptions of us who have disabilities.

and to the 'so-called normal people' out there who are always judging and underestimating people like us....please just stop and give us a chance. i mean if you are so condescending and judgmental toward us then you are not that normal now are you?? because it just shows you don't have a heart.... and how sad that is...???

The not so natural born teacher

I love languages for as long as i can remember.

I hv always been fascinated with it. My secret lifelong wish is to be fluent in many languages although i hv only managed to master two one of which is my 1st language which doesn't really count i think cos i am born with it. ....and the second is the one i am writting this blog entry with....and that is that.

(So much for a language enthusiast you would say) 😦

I guess i haven't got around to do it.....or the opportunity or the money...yeah yeah everything comes back down to that $$$ (deny it all you want) 

So anyway, i hv always been imagining myself growing up to be a foreign language translator or lecturer. Never hv i imagined myself ending up being a primary school English teacher. Hah!

Now now....don't go planning to chop my head off. I am not saying it's a bad thing...jeezzzz (relax....don't fall into judgement too quickly) 😋

I ❤️ the idea of helping other people in mastering English...."

The sad thing is......i am no way near a very talented OR dedicated teacher.... Although believe it or not i wanted to become one.

I just do not have the patience...i guess it is because i learned the language on my own really..... Back in primary school or even secondary i think i did not learn much until i went to university.....what keeps me going is my love for it.....so i guess i wish that all my pupils have that same ability....

It frustrates me all the time....cos you know i have all these knowledge that just couldn't wait to be passed on to but if those pupils do not get it..i am crushed....disappointed and very very angry.. 😖

I just do not understand why they do not get them......and i always forgot that they are kids....

What is more upsetting is that these kids do not want to learn the language they do not see the importance of it....i mean come on kids look around you........!!! You can't talk about future njob opportunities with the ability to speak english..primary school kids can't quite grasp that notion...they hold on to the here and now...

Remember back in those Nsync, bsb, britney days?

We were all so into them that we memorized all the songs watched all the interviews and stuff (well, maybe only me) but somehow those are the things that make us want to learn english and yes successful indeed...

These days....these kids do not hv that phase which is so sad....they all miss out one interesting part of growing up.... 😴

Anyway, i do hope i could be like one of those teachers of the year hahaha and change the life of those kids.... (Keep on dreaming..🙇🙇

LIVING WITH TOXO

How in the world could you live while knowing that it is just a matter of time that you are going to lose your sight?

Well.........?..

As normal as I can be.......i think so far...

My current obsession is watching one of those medical documentary, mystery diagnosis.

What do you know i am living with a pretty cool rare disease myself.

Toxoplasmosis Gondi, it is a parasite in cats' poop or raw meat....

It usually attacks the brain and causes mental retardation. Luckily for me it was latter during my mom's pregnancy stage and it only affected my eyes. Pheww....

So, i am totally blind in my left eye and have a very poor vision in my right. It used to be 6/60 now the last time i went for my check up was 4/60... Now, do you see a pattern there?

Yepp......as time goes and as i age.....i will eventually go BLIND......

MY left eye is also slowly deteriorating for the lack of use....i has shrunk in size..slowly for the past years and discolored and painful when it is touched roughly...so, it is way smaller than my right eye....

I was born with this condition and in some ways I have come to terms with it and what is to come. 

I went through schools and university just fine i excelled academically (if I could say so myself). 

And where i lack the ability to see i gain in my ability to memorize things like a text a whole powerpoint presentation and such if i want to,,... That is not to say that i am a genius or a savant...just enough that it could get me through some situations in life like:

1. Back in uni, during orientation week. When we sat in a circle and people go round introducing themselves and you have to repeat all the names introduced before you. I was practically one of the last and i could recall those 70 names...HAH TAKE THAT! Of course at that time people did not even know about me yet. So where ordinary people might use face and names relation to remember i didn't cause i couldn't see those faces at all....i memorized the names in sequence only. 

2. When, i have to do presentation using powerpoint or give a speech.... I know i could not see the slides or any notes i might have so, what more could i do than just memorize them?

Okey enough of that boasting hahahahaha...

Anyway, i am blessed to have such accepting and loving family and friends who do not treat me like i am such an incompetent being. They support me all my life. I love them hugely for that. I also thank ALLAH for their presence without which i might not be able to live at all.

However, as much as i wanted to be positive, confident and strong the negativity is always just around the corner.

There will be times when i feel so depressed and extremely sad especially when i keep thinking about losing my vision. Sometimes i would cry myself to sleep especially when i am alone or think nobody sees me.

What upsets me is the possibility that i will no longer be able to see the world, to go places, to do things i normally do, to read storybooks which i love, and worst of all? NOT BEING ABLE TO SEE MY CHILDREN GROW UP. 

I also question, once i am totally blind, will the people around me who are now okay with the way I Am accept me as well? Or will people just avoid me altogether? And how am i ever gong to cope with that?

You know, being a girl or a woman you cannot help but feel self-conscious...

On the streets, there strangers  will look at you strangely and curiously and like you could see in their faces that they are thinking what the heck is going on with this person.?

There are instances where a kid will come up to me and stand in front of me and stare like REALLY stare which is AWKWARD... (Doesn't the mommy tell that it is rude to stare? Jeeeezzzz). not just that that kid will go back and bring his or her friend and show me to that friend like inches away and i could hear what they are saying and i was like....ooooookkkkaaaayyyyyy and walk away...gahh!!

Sometimes i will look in my pictures or in the mirror and feel really down to a point where i hate the way i look...... Which i shouldn't but then again I cannot help feeling that way...i would look at others and wish that i could just change how i look instead.....but then i regain myself and feel grateful with what i do have instead. This goes on and on...

One of the things that I hate the most is moving to new places like schools or workplace which i have a fair share of experience.....i have to explain all over again and again and again to the point where i think i should just make an announcement using the PA system instead... 

Being a teacher..........

I face kids all the time primary school kids that is.

So, you know how children are they just say what is on their mind.which i do not take any seriously or personally cause they are not at any fault...

Whenever they ask "teacher, what is wrong with your eyes?" "Are you wearing contacts?" 

I just joke about it or deflect and deflect and deflect......i mean this is okay compared to that weird kid I  mentioned previously ahahaha

On the other hand, i could not help but wonder what will I do when my own children ask me this?  I most certainly cannot deflect i need to explain properly. I also wonder how are they going to react when their friends say stuff about me. Will they be ashamed of having a mommy who is different? Or will they accept me with open minds and hearts? I mean if they cannot accept me...well...? That will just break my heart....

Well,, there you go. You have no idea what is going on in my mind now do you??

Strength is key after all......